Memories III

[November's Dream - November 2006]

Incense (II)

Incense (I)

She got back home still recalling a crystal clear picture of what had just happened that afternoon. It was fleeting and electric just as everything else she still treasured in her memory related to him. His words still echoed; though she couldn't really decipher if those words belonged to that recent present or to the past. That particular mixture of feelings took her to her room... between all the pieces of her past she kept in the second drawer she found the box of incense bars like a bookmark in a notebook. There were still two bars left. She read as the last bar but one of "Esence Of Lust" burned down...

Many days I woke up and stare at some random fix point. I never need to switch on the light because, most of the times, when this happens it's around eight in the morning and sun creeps through the lids and curtains. Sometimes I don't know if I'm still here or maybe I left somewhere else unaware of it. Sometimes I don't know if I'm alone or not. Usually, if I'm alone, five minutes later the cat comes and, if not, if whoever sleeping by my side came just for some kind of affection he would maybe turn around and touch my face or ask me something; if he doesn't speak English I will probably kiss him and fall sleep again. But if who sleeps by my side came looking for something purely physical he will feel guilty, he will think about his life (his wife, his children, who knows) and he will leave. He may say sorry. But I'm sorrier, always. Not so long ago I became selective and gain a touch of psychologist. And if it's him who sleeps by my side he will realize that he's again with me and that, even though he wouldn't admit it, this is the only place where he has felt this way during the last two years. I've never made him pay. I will never do so. Weird enough, anytime I stare at that fix point in some distant space it happens to be him who sleeps with me. I hold his chest always. Anytime he comes here I write here and think a lot of life, this life. Once he told me it was a pity he couldn't love me; he said that thinking I was sleeping but just my eyes were close.

She left the notebook in the bed. She stared at the incense bar, the hidden incandescence with which it burned down turning into smoke and ashes. It has a finite life, just like everything does.

When the incense finishes it all turns to ashes and smoke. A scent that covers it all, that clouds up the objectivity through which I see the present now colouring it with feelings of the past. Even with all these windows closed, just with the air that filters through their tiny borders, smoke would end up vanishing and disappearing. It's funny that a simple incense bar sums up so many things. It's normal that this bar still burns though time has gone by, it's pretty normal that this scent still works as a time machine for me. This incense, this scent, has an hypnotising power over me. But from this intensity only come ashes and smoke. The smoke surrounding me, the dreamy air that vanishes.

"We can't change anything anymore. It would be worthless".

Shaina

...if a woman knight is seen without her mask by a man she has two options: kill him or fall in love with him...

Before Sunset

Before Sunset (2004), Richard Linklater.

I think I'd never felt so identified with a movie, even more knowing that things like these actually happen... gotta watch Before Sunrise soon.

[personal selection of quotes from the film]

"Memory is a wonderful thing, if you don't have to deal with the past."

"So that I wouldn't forget the details of the time that we spent together. You know, like just a reminder that once we really did meet, you know, that this was real, this happened."

"I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. [...] I see in them little details, so specific to each other, that move me, and that I miss, and... will always miss."

"I guess when you're young you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life you only realize it only happens a few times."

"You know what I love about this cat? It's that...every morning I bring him down to the courtyard. And every single morning he looks at everything like it was the first time!"

Incense

She belonged, like many other things, to the past, to and uncertain time that existed but that was blur now. The memory was as vague as real. Suddenly, the incense nights of that burgundy painted room came back and all that thick smoke condensed between them. He closed his eyes and saw his hands undressing her slowly. The images from the past mixed with feelings from the present and it was like if the slides of his memory were incomplete.

...her breasts in his hands, her empty stare, her legs around his waist...

"You don't smell of incense anymore", he muttered.
"Incense times are pretty far... though, right now, it's like if everything was coming back", she said.
"Even incense".
She nodded and whispered a shy "yes".

There was a silence then.

"Essence of Lust", she suddenly said staring at him in the eye. He stared back at her confused. "That was the name of that incense. You know what? They knocked that house down... it was like they were taking away a part of me with it. I remembered you that day".
"I've been ten years remembering you".
"You should have never fallen in love with a whore".

But she was the only one staring at him like that. Without past, present or future and, above all that, without chains that could tie him. He never knew much about her besides the essential, however, everything he confided to her, in that uncertain past, made him feel uneasy. She only receive money from him the day she met him and few days after she put it back in his wallet as he slept. That same day she borrowed a coin he would never miss.

...his tongue touch hers slowly, looking for the exact and precise pace with which time stops. She, naked, holds him tight. Her kisses taste of incense, her body tastes of incense. He reflects on his pupils, he undresses her again, he runs his hands all over her...

Her stare is still empty.

"Are you going to leave again?".
She stares at him: "I'm still here. We can't change anything anymore. It would be worthless".
"Come home".

And in the smoke she vanished.

He misses her deeply but the fear of depending on her wouldn't let him look for her again. She will always remember him but he's the only one who can find her again.

Metallica + Bilbao = Fuck yeah!

Bibao BBK Live Festival 2007

There are many bands I saw and enjoyed (The Ellas, I Love Ufo, Los Ronaldos, Muchachito Bombo Infierno, Maceo Parker, Fito & Fitipaldis, New York Dolls, Laia, Biok, Idi Bihotz, Zico Chain, Dagoba, The International Noise Conspirancy and Incubus) but after eight long years waiting to see one of my favourites bands live (Metallica) once on 29th June the lights turned off and Ectasy Of Gold started I completely forgot all. I never thought that there would come a day when I would possibly like Metallica even more but that day came and I will never forget it: 29th June 2007. Because seeing my favourite band from for the first time in my hometown is fucking priceless. The best gig I've been to in my whole life. Period.

[Forty thousand people singing Seek & Destroy]

[And James Hetfield is REAL! Fuck yeah!!!!!]

Ecstasy Of Gold
Creeping Death
For Whom The Bell Tolls
The Four Horsemen
The Memory Remains
The Unforgiven
Battery
Master Of Puppets
The Thing That Should Not Be
Sanitarium
Disposable Heroes
Leper Messiah
Orion
Damage Inc.
Sad But True
Nothing Else Matters
One
Enter Sandman
"The Other New Song"
Seek & Destroy

How does it feel to be alive?!

The Memory Remains

[Maremagnum, June 2007, Barcelona]

The memory always remains and exists.-

"Evidence" - Marilyn Manson

you have eyes that lead me on
and a body that shows me death
your lips look like they were made
for something else but
they just suck my breath
I want your pain to taste why you're ashamed
and I know you're not just what you say to me
and I'm not the only moment you're made of

you're so sudden and sweet
all legs, knuckle, knees
head's blown clean off
your mouth's paid off
fuck me 'til we know it's unsafe
and we'll paint over the evidence

I want you wanting me
I want what I see in your eyes
so give me something to be scared of
don't give me something to satisfy

- "Evidence", Marilyn Manson.

It's been a long long time since I wasn't THIS hipnotized by a song...